HumpDay Quickie #21

Posted: May 28, 2014 in Hump-Day Quickies
Tags: , , , ,

Cynthia

by Jacki Donnellan

I wonder, Cynthia, if you thought that coming here would frighten me more than ever before. I wonder if I thought so myself.

But, do you know, it hasn’t. There’s something astonishingly soothing about being here and just sitting, still and quiet, for a moment.

Because now I come to think of it, I haven’t done that for a long time, have I, Cynthia? Not since you first came into my life, that is, when you and I would spend rather too much time alone together, and I would sit and touch you, in stunned disbelief.

Recently, though, it’s been a different story, hasn’t it? I’ve kept myself busy; kept the white noise turned up high. I find that bustling and dashing almost drown you out, because you just never shut up, do you Cynthia? Always reminding me that you’re there; constantly telling me my own life story, convincing me you know how it ends.

So I admit that I thought you’d be louder here. And perhaps, Cynthia, you thought so too. Perhaps you were poised to point out the solitude, the hush, the twilight; sucking it all in, to illustrate your stories.

But sitting here, Cynthia, I can’t hear you at all. It’s sweetly silent, save for the birdsong and the happy sighing of the breeze.

And don’t you think that even all those gravestones over there look somehow beautiful, in this lovely evening sun?

What’s the matter? Has coming here made you nervous? Are you finally feeling anxious about the death that you know is coming? I wonder how you’re going to die, Cynthia? Sliced, burned, or poisoned? Perhaps all three?

Well, no wonder you’re feeling scared. Because you know, don’t you Cynthia, that I’m going to do whatever it takes to end your life. I’m going to fight. And you’ve realized that far from making me scared, coming here to visit my mum has given me the courage to say that to you for the very first time.

The big C.

My big C.

My “Cynthia.”

Maybe you’ll find your voice again tomorrow, Cynthia.

But inside these fleeting, peaceful moments, I shall pretend you don’t even exist.

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